Day 8 – God’s Day

From the diary of Vida Pankhurst

Deceived they pray, to the one they believe is not the same.

Today I woke up and prayed to the mighty shrew for the power to detect evil within this village. Dear goddess do I miss having a sturdy rock ceiling above my head, instead of these rickety wooden ones which seem to give these overlanders comfort. No wonder I’m having bloody nightmares.

Today is God’s Day. Pfft what a concept, as if the gods should only be bloody worshipped once a week! Bloody part-timers!!! Anyway, Sameson and I decided to split up in our hunt for the agents of the Temple of Elemental Evil. He went with the worshippers of the old faith to go pray in some bloody glen, where he could cast detect evil on them all surreptitiously, whereas I went off to the Shrine of All Gods to praise Joramy and see if anyone else used the shrine.

No-one else was at the shrine and so I placed my holy symbol in the appropriate place only to have a voice resound within my head. The voice of the raging volcano herself! She said ‘Mitrik’s Whelp. On 3, in 6, dwells 9.’  Wiping the blood from my nose – no mortal can contain the might of my majestic goddess within herself completely unscathed – I decided to decode this message later and so continued my search for spies at where the poor godless people resided in a sea of tents near the south of the village.

Amongst the squalor I detected evil only in the hearts of an old woman and, by Moridin’s beard, a bloody little boy I caught pulling the wings off insects. Hardly the task force of the Temple of Elemental Evil! So I took note of their faces to report back to Hestia and proceeded to the ceremony being held at the temple of St. Cuthbert.

There I found Joe and Ugg lurking outside and they warned me against marching into the temple and casting my Detect Evil spells. Apparently human priests take umbrage to such things. No doubt the real reason is that the sickeningly masculine faith of St. Cuthbert does not like the idea of a woman taking charge within their halls. So I deployed the aforementioned tact and cast it on those exiting the temple after the ceremony instead. To my surprise none of the worshippers detected as evil, even those of Burne’s Badgers whom were present. Sameson arrived and reported that no one at the Obad-Hai ceremony had been evil either. Therefore it must be concluded that those working for the Temple of Elemental Evil were at neither ceremony.

During the afternoon we hatched a plan between us to plant a false note by the Shrine of All Gods requesting a meeting behind the Stonemasons with the temple spies. We waited in ambush but the bloody plan went to the furnace when Burne’s badgers turned up and moved us on. Joe however, managed to hide from them so hopefully he’s having some luck out there. Anyhow I’m off to bloody bed.

Day 7 – The Search for Spies

From the diary of Vida Pankhurst

When we'd all woken up we headed downstairs Ugg made a revelation to us. Apparently, the day before, he'd only been bloody arrested when he came into town for wearing armor bearing the symbol of the Temple of Elemental Evil. Whilst in prison, before he could plead his innocence, someone in the militia had passed him a note offering him help. So it seems that there is a bloody spy from the temple in Burne's Badgers! Ugg had managed to get out of prison on his own, albeit with his armor confiscated, but we decided to take this information to Rufus, the fighter who runs Burne's Badgers.

Though Rufus, the fool of a man, wasn't sure to bloody believe us. We told him about our escapades in the moat house and he claimed his men have been guarding it for years and not seen anything of Lareth or his men. He didn't even believe us when we told him about the secret entrance below it until a remarkably lucid Elmo suddenly vouched for us. And Rufus took him on his word; turns out Elmo wasn't so much of a bloody drunk fool after all. Finally, Rufus set us the task of finding out who the spies in the village are, but advised discretion. That bloody elf Fillian was still no one to be seen. Rufus claimed he's gone off with those elves we rescued before, whom it turns out had been in the village since Lareth captured us. Nice of them to bloody return the favour of rescuing them!

Most of our party returned to the tavern whilst Sameson and I went to the Shrine of All Gods to the north of the village. We decided to pray to our deities there to give us spells of detection. At the shrine was a pair of dodgy looking men, but they soon crawled off to whatever hole they crawled out of at the sight of us two resplendent clerics.

Armed with Detect Evil and Zone of Truth spells we marched back to the tower and asked Burne himself to call all his militia together for questioning under Zone of Truth spells. But the bloody mage refused, saying he trusted his men. I called him a bloody obstinate fool, which I think he took umbrage at! He summoned his men, but told them they could refuse to take the test if they wanted. Unsurprisingly they all did.

Realizing we weren't getting anywhere Sameson and I returned to the Shrine of All Gods only to discover a note hidden by its side, which we hadn't noticed before. It was a message to someone marked as L, which could only be Lareth, from someone called R, could it be bloody Rufus? It asked where L was and warned him about us.

We took this back to the tavern and I decided to take this to Hestia the village elder. Let's get a bloody woman in power on board! She warned against my plan to get the church of St. Cuthbert to question the villagers, apparently it lacks tact! So instead we have decided to set a trap for the spies. If only Fillian were about, elves are naturally talented at bloody espionage…

Day 6 – Hommlet (Village Life)

From the diary of Vida Pankhurst

Note: Days 4 and 5 was spent with no entry thus left out intentionally.

We arrived outside Hommlet after an uneventful journey for my comrades. However, every night spent on the road for me...madness unknown.

Sameson told us all that Hommlet is a bastion of all that's good, as opposed to Nulb, which it turns out was only bloody set up by bandits years ago. Meh, why am I not surprised to hear that Ugg and Joe are bloody bandit kin. Sameson himself was raised in Hommlet an acorn worshippers, like himself, are affluent here. Also, he told us that two old heroes, Burne a mage and his warrior companion Rufus, rule the village from their stone tower. Pfft men and their bloody phallic symbols!

Outside Hommlet, passed out and dribbling on a rock, was a drunken oaf of a man. I wanted to ignore the fool, but my companions insisted on rousing him. Turned out his name was Elmo - what sort of a bloody overlander name is Elmo??? Anyway, he attached himself to our group and we marched into Hommlet followed by both this seemingly drunken idiot and Joe's brats. The village militia, and a motley band of idiots called Burne's Badgers at the tower, approached us and asked Ugg to go with them. We assumed they wanted him to join them and so separated to go about our own business.

Elmo staggered after Ugg mumbling something about Ugg being his new friend. Sameson went off to find someone called Jaroo of the stick, or something bloody like that, who is apparently the head of his order. Fillian flounced off to the tower in search of Burne, whom he believed might have some news about his elven friends. Joe gathered up his boys and took them to the tavern whilst I went in search of the local blacksmith.

Eventually I found him - and it was as per usual a 'him'. Not only did he not have a dwarven war-axe, but the dolt refused to let me use his smithy. So I stormed off to find the general store, which was currently being run by a rude individual called Rannos. He sold me the axe I wanted but I'm sure the misogynistic git ripped me off something blind.

At this point I headed back to the tavern to see what Joe was up to with all our treasure. I found him trying to sell his children off to any local who would listen. I don't blame him of course; who wants to be stuck with children snapping at your feet?! The village elder, a sensible woman called Hestia, decided to take them off his hands - much to our relief.

Sameson turned up complaining that he needed money to get a nasty strain of ghoul fever healed by the temple of St. Cuthbert, since acorn worshippers have no power over diseases. Therefore, we decided to go back to the general store and exchange all the pretty treasure we picked up in the moat house for gold and equipment.

After stocking up the rest of us, excluding Fillian who still hadn't returned from the tower, went back to the tavern whilst Sameson got himself healed. Ugg finally showed up, minus his armour, and with Elmo trailing along behind him. Joe was coming onto some bloody lady thief Fernoc who suggested we go to the temple to raid it now. However, at this point it as getting late so we hired some rooms. I got my own of course despite the men expecting me to sleep in the same room with all of them like a swine of pigs.

Then Elmo challenged us all to a drinking competition. Usually I would abstain from this typically male bravado, but I decided the drink may help in repressing the nightmares that have been haunting me since...he who dreams. When they realized I was taking part all the men backed out except Ugg and Elmo, few can beat a dwarf in a competition of constitution you see. Ugg was pucking his guts up before the second drink, bloody lightweight. However, Elmo proved to be one of the rare few humans with guts of steel because he somehow managed to beat me.

Next thing I knew I woke up here in my room nursing the queen mother of all bloody hangovers waiting for my comrades to get their lazy arses out of bed. At least I can't remember if the nightmares returned last night. Maybe I should get bloody drunk every night.

Day 3: The Moat-house

From the diary of Vida Pankhurst

Today we awoke in the stench of sweat and sick and opted to first investigate the dilapidated tower of the moat-house, this decision was reached largely because the floor was littered with treasure. Being the blundering idiots that they are Ugg and Joe went inside and were surprised by a giant spider that had made her nest in the roof of the tower. Not being able to join the battle in the compact space of the tower I watched the two of them best the overgrown insect with little difficulty.

Fortuitously, luck bloody seemed to favour us because amongst the treasure in the room we unearthed a scroll of Cure Disease, that I promptly cast upon Sameson who returned to his usual pallor; as opposed to the sickly green the disease had turned him.

With the tower raided we climbed deeper into the moat-house following Neddy's muddy footprints. They ended abruptly at a pair of double doors that we opted to ignore in favour of raiding the rest of the moat-house. Well, we didn't want anything bloody sneaking up on us in our confrontation with Neddy did we!?

As we liberated the place of its treasure we battled with the super-sized wildlife that had made its home there; including a giant lizard, snake and bloody Tik! Relatively unscathed, thanks to Sameson's healing wand that he acquired from the hobgoblins earlier, we made our way back to the door for our confrontation with Neddy and whoever his 'master' is.

But, the bloody snake had locked it behind him, and Joe's lock picking skills were malfunctioning again, so Ugg and I battered it down. Through the door was an abandoned room that, judging from the empty sleeping sacks on the floor, had been used as a resting area for a large group of humanoids. Ransacking the place we uncovered a secret door leading back down into the moat-house.

Proceeding into the passageway, we wandered down a long corridor before coming into a large chamber with several doors in alcoves at its far side. Blindly wandering across the room we failed to notice a group of reeking bugbears – horrid hairy goblin like creatures - lurking in a side passageway that pelted us with their bloody spears as we entered. They managed to seriously injure Sameson, so Ugg (boosted by a Bull's Strength spell from Sameson) and I launched a counter-attack at them. They were no match for the combined might of Joramy's holy fire and Ugg's axe, and we were soon back to exploring the room over the stench of burnt bugbear.

There was nothing of value through the doors, I assume they were cells in a dungeon maybe, but we heard a loud banging like a grate, or wall, banging down somewhere else in the complex. Nothing is ever bloody simple is it! I wonder what kind of bloody sadistic madmen makes these kind of traps.  Having no choice but to backtrack we marched off down a different corridor and came across a similar room to the previous one, also with cells. Only this time we encountered a group of foul hyena people, called gnolls, arguing in an ante-chamber.

They hadn't seen us, so we wisely attacked the bloody things first. Ugg tried to draw them out to us, but they ignored the dolt. Therefore, we bombarded them with magic and arrows, which seemed to do the trick. Then that tricksy elf, Fillian, summoned a giant web to imprison the enraged creatures. Knowing that should they break free they would stop at nothing to kill us all, I used my wand to set fire to the web and continued to use it until all the gnolls were nothing but smoking cinders upon the chamber floor. Why should such foul beasts be allowed any bloody mercy. What mercy do they give to the poor humans they capture and devour, or sacrifice to whatever unholy god they purport to worship. Be damned with them!

Taking what we needed from the ruins of this area we made our way down another corridor. Clearly we made too much noise because a door burst open and we were attacked by more bloody men cultists. Killing them we failed to prevent some running off for reinforcements, so we pursued them battling our way through more men.

Just as we were almost overrun with heretics Fillian cast a sleep spell knocking most of them out. But then a man bedecked in armour and clearly a cleric, and leader of the heretics, entered the fray with two lieutenants. This cleric was both none other than the so-called beautiful one (like beauty is anything but bloody subjective) that captured Fillian and his company originally, and someone Ugg and Joe knew as Mr. Lars from Nulb. Laughable he called for our surrender. Pfft as if I would surrender to any man and a fool of a heretic less!  At our rebuttal him and his lieutenants attacked.

Again I was forced to do what was necessary, whilst the men in my company stalled, and take my hammer to the sleeping guards before they could be awoken by the cleric to re-join the battle. I took no pleasure in breaking their defenceless skulls, but I will not debate morals when lives are at stake. Ugg and Sameson confronted the lieutenants in battle, whilst I blessed us and conjured my goddess’s spiritual weapon to set about crushing the cleric and his men.

Fillian started lobbing bloody rays of wizard fire at the cleric whilst Joe pelted the lieutenants in arrows. Only the cleric had a few tricks of his own and his magic knocked Joe unconscious and dispelled the blessings of my goddess just as a I called upon it. Things looked bloody dire when Sameson was knocked bloody unconscious too. Luckily Ugg, fool that he is, is a rock that held his own against the lieutenants, smashing one them to pieces and engaging the one Sameson had already injured.

I was just getting warmed up of course and I healed Joe with one of my scrolls and commanded my spiritual weapon to assist Ugg in finishing the last of the cleric's men. But the bloody heretic cleric was too tenacious to see he had lost and cast a darkness upon the room. Backing out of it, so I could bloody see, I dispelled it and we surrounded him and saw about bludgeoning the fool into submission. 

Finally he surrendered and the bloody recreant offered us information on where the slaves and sacrifices, including Ugg's real parents apparently, were taken to. I didn't believe a bloody word out of his mouth but my companions seemed to think he might have something useful to tell us about the Temple of Elemental Evil, so I abstained from caving in his pretty face in retaliation for the indignities he made us suffer before.

Threatening to set his boots on fire made him reveal that he was a cleric of Loth, the spider goddess, and that he was in fact working for some creature called Hadrack.

In exchange for his worthless life he offered to show us where the slaves were being kept and give us what treasure he had lying around the moat-house. Fillian, like myself, wanted to put a dagger in the heretic and be bloody done with him, but we decided to keep him alive if only for the sake of the slaves. Although, that didn't stop us stripping him of that precious armour and any other equipment the popinjay had on him, before shoving him into some rags off one of his lieutenants. Let him suffer some bloody indignities. Amongst his things I found a magical phylactery marked with runes sacred to Lloth. As distasteful as the thing is I'm sure Joramy would not object to me putting it to use in my service to her. Us girls should stick together, evil or not.

We bound Lareth and let him lead us to a cavern where he claimed he'd hidden some treasure. He did warn us that a horrible creature guarded it and he no doubt hoped we'd be consumed by it, so the bastard would be free of us to go back to worshipping spiders. We reasoned this but, being the bloody greedy men that my companions are, they decided they didn't care and marched right on into a cavern with a large pool in its centre.

Of course Ugg took two steps into the chamber only to be accosted by giant pincers that sprung up from the depths. He fended it off and the giant bloody crayfish that they belonged to surfaced only to be pelted with our arrows. It dived back under again and waited for Ugg and Samerson to show their trademark stupidity and wade into the pool to get treasure, before attacking. With a little luck they managed to kill the creature and within the depths we found some Lareth's treasure, including a gem that Ugg thought putting in his hair made him look cute. Honestly sometimes I wonder how men came to dominate this plane!

Retrieving Lareth, before Fillian (who was guarding him during the encounter) bloody beat him to death, we proceeded to what was apparently a short cut to both the surface and the slaves, only it was bloody blocked by a grate which we had triggered earlier. Therefore, for our sins, we had to let Lareth guide us on another route through some catacombs.

Just when I thought I got a whiff of undeath some bloody ghouls showed up. I raised my holy symbol high and turned them to ashes with the volcanic power of mighty Joramy, along with some help from Sameson of course. There were lots of the bloody things in the catacombs and in a mighty battle one of them managed to paralyze Sameson with its claws. I rushed to help and succeeded in driving the ugly things off. Lareth took advantage of the distraction to escape and somehow broke his bonds, cast a Fear spell on Joe and plunged the room into darkness with another one of his bloody trademark Darkness spells.

Backing out the darkness I guarded the way we came in with my wand. He didn't come out that way, else I would have fried the bastard, so when the darkness subsided we realized he must have gone forward where the ghouls retreated. We pursued him into a most insidious chamber that almost defies explanation.

An obelisk radiating malevolent power towered in the middle of the room and an equally pernicious looking altar lay on its far side. I remember feeling an overwhelmingly sickening sense of torment, pain and ungodliness at the sight of it. It was…o I don’t know… I’m running out of bloody synonyms that mean really bloody evil! Think of the worst you can and it was nine times more bloody foul than that. Lareth, seemingly dead, lay amongst the decimated remains of the ghouls upon a platform by the altar.

If I could only go back and change the choices we made upon entering that chamber, I would. Sameson and I approached the obex like a pair of fools and picked up the scrap of paper that was upon the harrowing altar. Upon it was The Name. Fillian shouted a warning from the entrance and we turned to see a foul creature descending towards us from the cavern roof.

I recognized the creature as a Grell. A bloody mess of a monster; all barbed beak and writhing tentacles plucked straight from the void of the far realm. Perhaps it was panic that made us do it, but in our foolishness, our ignorance, our arrogance we thought that uttering The Name would stop the Grell, maybe drive it off. I spoke it together with Sameson but it was us, not the Grell, that slid into oblivion.

< A page is torn from Vida's diary >

 

...never know. With the Grell defeated and Lareth missing we had no choice but to carry on and hope to bloody find the slaves ourselves. Reclaiming my potions from Joe, who had only taken advantage of the situation to attempt to pilfer my belongings – bloody rogues – we followed another passage out into more catacombs.

We battled our way through zombies, who seemed almost innocuous next to what we had just fought, and I was blessed to discover my goddess had not abandoned me despite forget forgot not spoken...We eventually found our way out into another part of the moat house we had yet to explore. Joe started to pick the lock on a nearby door when a bloody spear almost impaled him through it. He leapt back and the door burst off its hinges revealing something that looked like a larger, even uglier version of Ugg. It was only a bloody ogre called Lubash!

I summoned the might of Joramy to give me strength and, along with Ugg and Sameson, stepped forward to battle the beast. Fillian used some dirty elf trick and fired a magically ray into the battle that seemed to weaken the creature and made it easier for the rest of us to dispatch it. After crushing the overgrown orc's corpse we found some of the little brats that had tormented me in Nulb chained up in a nearby antechamber.

As much as I hate the little bastards, who apparently work for Joe, no one deserves to be chained up in this bleak pit to be the food of ogres. Therefore, we broke their chains and Joe took them back under his wing - gods save them. Exhausted, we decided to encamp in a defensible room before heading to Hommlet to restock and decide what to do next. Still no bloody sign of Neddy as well!

Day 2 – A Wild Rat Chase

From the diary of Vida Pankhurst

Today I woke up to discover that the chest, which Joe made go up in smoke, had reappeared. Only I ain't no bloody thief so I couldn't get the blasted thing to open. I collected Joe and the others from town and this time he managed to disarm the trap and open the chest successfully. Inside was some cash, a fancy dagger (which Joe took for his efforts) and a box containing a necklace that now looks damn good on me, because the others were too terrified to try it on; most likely they were worried it would emasculate them, but then who really knows why these men do anything.

We decided to arm ourselves a little better so headed into town meeting Joe's sister (another bloody Norebo follower) on the way.  At the market we were served by a cleric of luck called Vulia. Finally a woman here with potential! Sure, she is a follower of Norebo, thanks to Crippelina's influence, and she does insist on making people gamble for their equipment, but she seems a woman who knows sense when she hears it. And she has managed to carve a name for herself in the market, even amongst these misogynists. I will work on her. She asked me if I was going to be attending that stupid festival 'The Big Gamble' and I told her that I bloody intend to. O I'll go all right, and tell those heathens about my mighty goddess, with the power to empower their rage and give them the force to make a change in this damn village. That's what these people need, wrath; not something as capricious and untrustworthy as luck.

After picking up a few other things in town and having to deal with both that bully of an armoury to get some chain mail, we finally set off. Under 'guidance' from that rat we found a trapdoor under a rock in the wilderness. Pulling it back revealed a hole, which some voices demanded a password from. Not having a bloody clue what it was, we made a guess, which was ignored. This time Ugg's three brain cells had collaborated with each other and made him decide to purchase a rope in the village, so Joe used that to head down into the cavern to meet whatever lurked below.

The dolt managed to trigger some sort of pit trap at the bottom of it but thanks to his feather falling ring came out vaguely unscathed and clambered out in time to meet some disgusting hobgoblin guards. The smell of those horrid cousins of orcs made me drop my crossbow in disgust, but luckily the others dispatched them with their arrows, and we all headed down into the passage below.

Marching onward through what appeared to be a hobgoblin base we eradicated many more of the foul creatures before they could raise the alarm on us. Further investigation revealed two other identical entrances to the complex, complete with their own pit traps. We used these pits to dispose of the bodies and I can think of nothing more fitting than for those bloody creatures to spend eternity rotting in their own traps. Finally though, we came upon the heart of their lair in which lived a small horde of hobgoblins and lesser goblinoids.

After calling upon the might of The Raging Volcano to Bless us, I led my companions into battle; smiting the repulsive things with both my warhammer and holy fire. The goblin leader, a repugnant beast of a hobgoblin wielding a pair of deadly masterwork swords, burst out from a side chamber to enter the fray only to be met head on in battle by Ugg. With the help of Joe sniping with his sword from behind a door, the two of them bested the leader whilst Sameson and I finished off the last of the horde. Or so we thought...because just as we believed the battle won a powerful hobgoblin shaman entered the room and struck Ugg down with a single word of magic. In my wrath I smote it down with a barrage of shots from my crossbow before it could do so much as utter another syllable.

But we got no bloody respite even then because a horrid growling reverberated around the room, just before two giant apes burst through separate doors into the chamber. Joe hurled a bottle of sticky liquid at one of them and succeeded in glueing one of the blasted things to the floor whilst Ugg charged the other. Sameson, Joe and I picked at the held ape with our bows/crossbows in the hopes of killing it before it could break free. However, the other ape was making short work of Ugg, so I hitched up my chain mail skirts and ran to assist the oaf with my healing magic, before he became bloody ape food. It was a fierce battle but together we slew the beast, and turned our bows on the last ape.

Bloodied and worn out we explored the rest of the complex finding much treasure amongst the hobgoblin's horde, including a pair of wands. As well as the apes den we also discovered an area for the unhallowed practise of sacrifice to the foul goblin god Maglubiget. Destroying everything we found there Sameson and I both took delight in relieving ourselves upon the unholy site. That'll show that bloody goblin excuse for a deity! In this room we also found a note from someone called Belsoring, asking the hobgoblins to join forces with the bloody Temple of Elemental Evil. The paper was also marked with a strange sigil of a flaming eye that I can only assume if the temple's insignia.

Another group of goblin slaves cowered in a nearby room which we allowed to leave alive when they surrendered. Even my testosterone fuelled companions conceded that here is no bloody sense in mindless slaughter. The goblins told us of elf 'sacrifices' which we found imprisoned in pits nearby.

We liberated the unfortunate wretches and even I couldn't help but feel pity for the state these once proud, if somewhat abrasive, creatures had been reduced to. Amongst them was the familiar face of none other than the real bloody Fillian! Reunited with his rat we clothed him before the sight of his nakedness made me hurl. It turned out he is in fact a mage of some talent, so we got him to Identify of the magically items we found in exchange for a cut. Pfft, like bloody saving his arse from the hell furnace isn't reward enough for an elf.

Anyway, gathering the emancipated elves together we shared out our equipment and sat around scratching our heads a little. I haven't a bloody idea how we are going smuggle this lot into Nulb without causing the hostility of the villagers! Whatever hair-brained plan these men come up with one thing is for sure...it ain't gonna be bloody easy. But then nothing is with this lot!

I realized that, after finding Belsoring's letter, now would be a good time to tell my new friends about what I knew of the Temple of Elemental Evil. So I divulged to them the story of the foul place not far away in the hills near Nulb and how it spawned much suffering; ruin and death before, long ago, the forces of good brought it low and bound it's power. I told how it is evident that the place was only wounded and not slain, how even now dark things creep up from the labyrinth below, under the direction of someone or something that still lurks below the edifice of evil. I explained that Joramy herself had given me the divine mission to finish what the forces of good started all those years ago, and eradicate the temple from this world for good.

After hearing my tale, embellished by the elf mage Fillian, who seems to know a little about the temple himself, we turned our minds back to the problem at hand, the elves. They imparted the tale to us that they had been ambushed originally by the hobgoblins under the leadership of a 'beautiful' human cleric. Pfft, elves are so prone to exaggeration. They think trees are bloody 'beautiful' after all. Anyway, we decided to send Joe and Ugg back to the village, through the way we came in, to speak to the blacksmith and gather some supplies for our new Elven companions. Clearly I had received a knock to my head in the previous battle that prevented me from seeing what a damn foolish idea it was for us to separate like that, but that's what we did none the less.

Whilst they were gone, and rather than listen to the supercilious rubbish that comes out of elves' mouths, I decided to look around some more. This paid off as I discovered a strange torch, which I identified as an ever-burning torch, on one of the walls in the ape's pen. Of course I can bloody well see in the dark anyway so I gave it to Sameson to stop him blundering around in the darkness in the future. During this time the bloody elves, ungrateful wretches that they are, demanded some gold armbands back that we had liberated from the goblins earlier. My censure at this was being ignored however when some banging in the distance made us run off to investigate, only to bump into Ugg and Joe who had been attacked by a horde of goblins and hobgoblins outside.

We opted to escape through a different exit and head back to the the village together, rather than face the goblin force in our current weakened state. So we did this and set out surreptitiously into the night, like a bunch of bloody thieves, back along a trail in the woods. We hadn’t got far when we noticed some humans approaching along the trail ahead.

Ugg and I went ahead to assess the situation whilst Sameson, Joe and Fillian kept the bloody elves safe and hidden. Then, who should I see but the flippin' blacksmith from town with two mercenaries. How in the name of mighty Joramy was I to know this wasn't him but some sneaky mage disguised with magic. He surprised us with some spell that knocked Ugg flat out and blinded me momentarily.

Not to be beaten that easily I pulled out my burning hands wand and was just about to incinerate the git when he threatened to cut Ugg's throat should I not surrender. Now he may be both a typical misogynist and disgusting half breed orcoid, but as annoying as Ugg can be, he has proven useful and I wouldn't wish the big lugg dead; so I had no choice but to surrender to these men and let them manhandle and bind me. By Joramy, I will make them pay for that indignity!

Of course I was still blinded by the mage's spell so all I could do was hear as my other companions arrived and attempted to fight the mage and his men. Imagine my dismay when I hear Fillian throwing spells with reckless abandon at our captor. Just as my vision cleared I had it obscured again by some magically conjured mist so I had no idea if I was about to be consumed in the crossfire of this magically duel, or turned into a bloody rat or something. Suddenly the mist cleared only to reveal the hobgoblin horde from before surrounding us. My party, realizing they were outnumbered badly, surrendered.

The horrid things, all men of course (just where are all the hobgoblin women anyway???) bound and -  in the case of those of us able to use magic - gagged, then forced us into a cart to be used for sacrifices to some unholy god. We travelled through the night and, even unable to speak and jostled around as we were, I still prayed to the mistress of volcanoes to give me to the strength to break my bonds and shower her wrath down upon those who would dare imprison a cleric of Joramy. Beside me in the cart I could feel Sameson utter a similar prayer to his god. Faith, it seems, cannot be bound.

Later, to my utter astonishment, I heard Joe conversing in Goblin with some of our captors, who were non-other than the goblin slaves we spared earlier. At the time I thought it folly, but he seemed to have an effect on the creatures because they fled rather than attack us when the cart we were imprisoned in and was attacked and we were cast out onto the landscape.

Unfortunately the landscape was a bloody swampy pond infested with giant frogs, who had mistaken our prison cart as something they could eat. Fillian somehow, probably with help from his runt of a rat, had escaped from his bonds and sensibly freed me first. Together we released the others and I watched in satisfaction as the mercenaries were consumed by the mutated frogs. The mage however disappeared into bloody thin air before I could blast him with Joramy's might!

Our party regrouped and sliced the frogs into oblivion with ease. Observing our surroundings we sighted a ruined moat-house nearby and some footsteps in the swamp heading that way. Joe revealed to us that he recognized the mage as some bloody man whom had been living in Nulb for years under the name Neddy. Mightily pissed off we headed for the moat-house across a rickety drawbridge, using Ugg's rope again. Inside we found further evidence of Neddy's retreat in the form of dirty footprints so we choose to rest up before continuing our pursuit. I was bloody fine to go three more rounds but men lack the endurance of women, especially dwarven women, and Sameson was bloody throwing up everywhere from the sickness he picked up off the rats, so I kept my remonstrations to myself and set about writing this during my first watch.

Day 1 – Nulb and the Abandoned Thieves Den

From the Diary of Vida Pankhurst

The bloody rigmarole I was forced to endure today, I have decided to chronicle my (mis)adventures in the form of this here diary. If only to prevent myself going insane. 

Today I woke up in that blasted shell of a shed again, hungry and cursing those blasted misogynists that forced me out of the comfort of the mountains, and into this forsaken pit hole of a village in the first place. I noticed my rat trap seemed to have mysteriously disappeared, most likely due to those little human brats I saw trailing me last night.

The previous few days had been spent trying and failing to find work in this god-forsaken place. It seems Nulb already has a blacksmith and an armourer. Both, of course, are men! The villagers themselves are strange and seem devoid of any feelings, be it either sympathy or anger. Even the women give me the strangest of looks and avoid me when I try to approach them. I wondered what the blazes happened here to make these people so downtrodden, so desperate; and their children so bored, as to take such sadistic pleasure in my misery.

Then, just as I thought my luck couldn’t get any worse, I discovered a strange white rat in my backpack that scampered off with the last of my copper pieces before I could crush it into oblivion!

In an almost apoplectic rage I stormed into town, heading for a tavern in the hopes of findings someone vaguely sane, and willing to pay for either a cleric of my skills, or a blacksmith that isn’t a complete dolt of a man, only to bump into the strangest group of individuals kicking up a stink in the village square. An elderly woman, seemingly a cleric, was ranting some nonsense at a gathered crowd, whilst a half-orc, bedecked in more armour and weapons than probably exists in the rest of the entire village, stood staring blankly nearby.  The village blacksmith was there of course, but he always seems to be where trouble is, as was another man I’d seen skulking around the village that professed to be a net-maker.

Ignoring the men, and just being happy to see a woman in charge finally, I approached the cleric only to have her spit at the mention of my mighty goddess and ramble some nonsense about a deity of luck. The woman, whose name turned out to be Crippelina claimed she could help turn these people’s luck around. ‘Pfft these people don’t need luck,’ I said. ‘They need anger, wrath and a bloody kick up the backside.’ I will make it my bloody mission to galvanize the people of this village– well the women at least – in the name of my mighty mistress, Joramy. However, this time it seemed Crippelina had the advantage with the crowd and so, realizing that debate would not mollify my rumbling stomach, I inquired if anyone had any work so I could at least get some food.

The blacksmith informed me that the town has been suffering from an infestation of giant rats, as if I hadn’t already bloody noticed the fact, and offered me a reward for every tail collected. ‘Fine,’ I said. ‘Consider it done.’ And off I marched after learning that the very shed I’d been sleeping in was the believed location of their nest. Imagine my dismay when the half-orc followed me under orders from that bitch Crippelina to keep an eye on me, along with the so-called net-maker.

So I get there and find an elf lurking where I’d slept the night before!  ‘Who the hell are you,’ I asked. He garbled some story about being a mage and the only survivor of an envoy that was ambushed by orcs en-route to the village; or some rubbish to that effect anyway. He seemed to have suffered some kind of head wound, but then it’s hard to tell with elves sometimes. What’s more, by my hammer, he confessed that the white rat that made off with my coppers was none other than his bloody familiar, that he’d managed to lose somewhere round here.

Then, as if it wasn’t already getting crowded in there, another man turned up who seemed to have followed us from the village. After a short interrogation he revealed himself to be a cleric of Obad-Hai. Which as far as I could tell, basically means he worships bloody acorns.  He fed us some story about looking for a lake, for some unbeknownst reason, but since he’d failed in that thus far he decided to help us eradicate the rats. Maybe to kill time. Hell, I don’t bloody know!

Anyway, I decided to at least find out the names of my all male ‘companions.’ It turned out the half-orc called itself Ugg and seemed to believe Crippelina was his mother. The net-maker of suspicious origins called himself Joe, and also had some sort of affiliation with the luck worshipping hag. The acorn cleric confessed to the name Samson and the elf mage, Fillian.

Introductions suffered, we decided to follow some rat tracks deeper into the dilapidated ruin, which I suppose must have been some sort of barracks once. At first we discovered little more than decaying furniture and a few old weapons that looked like they might crumble if used in battle; most of which I took to be melted down should I eventually find somewhere to practise my trade as a blacksmith, but a rusting spear we gave to Samson who, like a confounded fool, had come unarmed.

In the last room we searched we found a locked chest which the ‘net-maker’ attempted to open. All he managed to succeed in doing, in fact, was triggering a needle trap which, fortuitously for him, seemed to have long ago lost its poison sting and therefore, aptly, only resulted in giving him an impotent prick. Of course, after all that, it was bloody empty but after further investigation of the room we discovering a trapdoor hidden under a decomposing wardrobe.

Opening it revealed a hole with no clear ladder down. Joe managed to put together something resembling a rope from materials around the shed and we tied it up and headed into it. We sent Joe down first, he made the bloody rope so let him plummet to his doom if the flippin thing breaks, and as I clambered down after him I heard the sounds of a ruckus below. Jumping down I landed to find myself beset upon by an animated bag of bones wielding a sword. Raising my holy symbol of Joramy high the creature fled the wrath of the mistress of raging volcanoes; obviously realizing that neither me, nor my goddess, are women to be trifled with.

Meanwhile, Joe had been battling with a walking corpse nearby. Imagine my surprise when the acorn worshipper’s chant from above made the zombie disintegrate into nothing before it could do more than take a bite out of Joe. The threat dealt with, the others, who had been cowering above in typical male fashion, joined us down in the cave. Thankful to have a homely rock ceiling above my head again I called upon my goddesses’ powers to heal Joe’s wounds, whilst the others picked off the remaining, rebuked, skeleton.

At first I was reluctant to heal one of these fools, but he did manage to ask with a something resembling respect, so I assented. I must be careful not to let these male pigs treat me as some sort of mobile healing kit, ostensibly because I’m a cleric, but really I know it’s the result of centuries of patriarchy in which women are expected to follow around men and clean up their mess. I swear some of these overlanders are no better than the worst traditionalists back home.

Anyway, wondering what the bloody hell undead were doing wandering round underneath the village we explored our surroundings. We found another chest and Joe managed to trigger yet another trap. This time the flippin chest literally went up in bloody smoke before we could open it.

Discovering a few doors we picked one at random and headed onward only to encounter more undead. These creatures were stronger than before, some sort of ghoul I think. Even a Burning Hands spell summoned by me, courtesy of the mighty Shrew, was not enough to slow them in their yearning to tear apart my flesh. Luckily the men, especially that pug of a half-orc, proved fairly competent in this battle and together we smashed them apart; although both Ugg and I received hefty injuries from their vile claws.

Through another secret door we found another chest that this time Joe managed to open without causing some sort of minor disaster. Inside, thank Joramy, was some gold that I opted to look after and some boots that really weren’t my colour, so I let the net-maker take them. Knowing this place the bloody things will turn out to be cursed anyway.  Realizing we seemed to be in some sort of secret complex we backtracked to look through another secret door and what do we find but more bloody undead!

To my utter astonishment they fell to pieces when Samson uttered a prayer to his god. Clearly these things have some kind of aversion to acorns! On we marched to discover a table with discarded playing cards strewn across it; the place seemed to have once been some kind of thieves hide out. A target practise room for throwing knives through yet another secret door revealed our suspicions to be sound.

Still having found no rats, white, giant or otherwise we continued to look around the underground den, battling more undead as we went.  We found more treasure including a healing potion which my companions seemed to take umbrage to me drinking, even though I had not uttered a single complaint about my extensive injuries from before and none of them had the gumption to taste it themselves lest it be poison. Women are of course supposed to just suffer in silence in their minds. And I swear by the hammer if that belligerent half-orc calls me little woman one more time I will stick my warhammer where the sun wouldn’t dare to shine!

Pressing on we found some kind of hole that none of us could fit through, so again we backtracked and found another passage finally leading to the nest of the giant rats. Under my leadership we launched our attack and we made short work of them because even the elf Fillian, who thus far had done little but skulk in the shadows, did his part with a well-executed Sleep spell. Collecting up the tails and picking up some more treasure we avoided a gas trap and found another route back up to the surface.

I almost felt sorry for that misguided treehugger, Samson, when we came up by the very lake he had been searching for only to find it polluted beyond use. My stomach was threatening to consume itself by that point though so I marched us right back into the village brandishing the rat tails. The biggest surprise of the day was yet to come though because, when we reached the smithy to collect our reward, the elf went bloody crazy and stabbed the blacksmith with some kind of poisoned dagger!

Just as I was trying to decide whether to admonish or thank him, the little git turned on our group and launched a Burning Hands spell at us. Luckily Ugg squished the runt with one blow before he could get any more spells off. Lucky for him I mean, because I was about to do something far worse to him involving the handle of my war hammer and his face. As we debated the reasons behind the elf’s actions his unconscious form changed into a pale creature with big black eyes.

'What in blood and bloody ashes is going on here,' I thought. But I had little time to ruminate on this obscure turn of events because the blacksmith seemed to be turning green from the poison flowing in his guts. Curing such an infliction is beyond mine or Sameson's powers, yet, so we had no choice but to send Ugg to fetch that belligerent bitch Crippelina.

The ‘charitable’ wench only made us give her a powerful magic ring, for payment, that we found on the dead elf doppelgänger thing...or whatever it bloody was. Judging from Crippelina's face when she identified the ring, I'm pretty sure it was worth far more than the poxy stall poison spell she pulled out her arse, even if she did throw in a healing scroll to even the score! Then she astounded us further with her 'munificence' by curing Ugg (her so-called son) of a disease he picked up off the ghouls, for the trifling sum of 800gp!!! Only we didn't have that kind of money so she agreed to take an I.O.U. Clearly her generosity and that of her god, Norebo, knows no bounds - even where family are concerned.

Having done what we can to stop the poison killing the blacksmith - still not sure if it was bloody worth it - we took him to the local tavern to rest it off. There I was forced to endure both the pure rudeness of the bellicose barmen and the embarrassment of watching the barmaid debase herself by making eyes at Joe. I was just about to find something to eat, and somewhere to sleep for that matter, when what should turn up but that bloody white rat. Of course it ran to that animal lover Sameson; which was prudent of the little mite because I would have squashed it's furry face, for kicking me when I was down earlier, had it come to me. It seemed to want us to follow it and, being the highly intelligent men that they are, my little entourage decided it wise to follow this sentient creature. Especially because some disembodied voice, coming from nowhere, told us to join it, I swear I'm not bloody making this up!!!

Knowing I had no choice but to stay with this lot, so that they don't all get themselves killed before I can make use of them, I at least managed to convince them to bed down for the night before heading off on this insane quest. Then, if you would believe it, Sameson made a salacious offer for me to bed with him. Pfft, I would rather eat goblin mucus than share a bed with one of these men!  So I headed back to spend the night in the cavern we cleared by the lake. That way I got a cavern roof over my head at least.